Poetry (with apologies to the poets).
Written and presented by Charles Campbell at the Christmas Party on 6th December 2023.
BANJO PATERSON
after “The man from Snowy River”
There was consternation in the clubhouse for Bryan had let it slip,
That wily Kev McGlynn was coming on a trip.
Kev was fresh from competition – he was worth a silver brooch,
And it was clearly seen he’d not lost his silver touch.
“I wonder, is he married?” sighed one ‘young’ belle
“I would do even that if it meant I could play really well.”
THOMAS SPENCER
after “How M’Dougall topped the score”
A peaceful spot is Muller Park, the folk that muster there about,
Are skilled and dogged, addicts to the whack and clout.
But they are jubilating like they never have before, as Mavis ran one and two
On a single stroke, having avoided covid and the flu.
Jubilation went up a notch when Lillian took the field to do a ‘Mavis’ run,
And she followed that with three and four: “That’s how it’s done.”
BANJO (AGAIN)
after “Clancy of the Overflow”
Ben had written her a handicap, which we had, for want of better
Judgement sent down to C.N.S.W by a regular postal letter.
She was thirteen when I played her and gave away free strokes,
Wallop followed roquet, her jumps and stun shots all but wrecked the blokes.
Then an answer came directly with a message unexpected,
And it seemed that one and three had been parted on a spreadsheet
Then joined by embedded formula and the handicap now was four:
She’s gone to Tempe raving, and we don't see her here no more.
HENRY KENDALL
after “Bellbirds”
By evenings in coolness the members are calling,
And down the morning runs I see them all stalling;
It lives on the croquet lawn, where abuse and the sledges
Touch with their wit the fence and the benches;
Through the clash of the prim’ry and secondaries
Struggles the care that is love to the mallets.
DOROTHEA MacKELLAR
after “I love a sun-burnt country”
I love a skilful game,
A game of brutal hits,
Of double-taps and crushes,
Of jumps and running hoops.
I love her seven points
I love her extra shots
Her beauty and her terror – croquet’s the game for me!
More fun below - scroll down to enjoy.
If your croquet ball could talk, and had the opportunity to explain just one thing to you …
Thank you for this opportunity. Before I begin may I say, on behalf of all the croquet balls in this club that – although you think we are hard, even dense – we are aware of the unkind things that are said about (and to) us. This is all the more hurtful because whatever we are accused of doing, or not doing, is never, ever our fault. I trust that I have made myself understood. I will not name names, but you know who you are, and I have faith in you to do the needful.
Turning now to the main topic. The most important thing I would like you to know has to do with the hit (we actually prefer the term ‘stroke’ as being far less brutal, but then – frankly – some of you might be called …)
This will be about making a straightforward stoke, and complicated matters such as angled shots, stop shots and so on will be left to another occasion. I will explain this by referring to the circumference of the ball, its diameter and the tangent, the last two being perpendicular to each other.
Now don’t go all, “I don’t do big words” on me; and take that ridiculous eyes-glazing-over expression off your face – the wind might change. This is so straightforward that even a school principal can follow along.
When you take your stance and look straight down you should see my outline as a perfect circle. Even the slightest deviation will alter that.
Just so that you know, the line that makes a circle is called a circumference. Now, you may wonder why a round line is called both a ‘circle’ and also its ‘circumference’. ‘Circle’ refers to the whole bag of tricks, just as ‘engine’ refers to all the bits and pieces that go to make up that thing. Each feature has its own name; in the case of an engine, there are pistons, gaskets, heads, sumps and other things I know not what of.
So it is that the line that goes from the centre of a circle to the outside is called the radius; the straight line that goes from one side to the other without passing through the centre is called a chord; and the line that makes the circle’s shape is called the circumference.
But I digress. Balls, after all, do tend to roll away.
It will be helpful here for you to have an imaginary picture of a circle showing these lines, or even to draw it now on paper and follow along (pretend to be a school principal; you will find the sensation strangely disappointing).
When you stalk your target you should be drawing a line directly from your target (another ball, the mouth of the hoop, an opponent’s ankle, etc.) to your ball. That line extends directly over the ball and runs from one side to the other, passing through the centre.
In case you have forgotten (or never bothered to learn it in the first place), let me remind you that the straight line that is drawn from one point on the circumference, through the centre of the circle and on to the opposite point on the circumference is called the diameter.
Look carefully for the point on the circle where that stalking line (the diameter) reaches the circumference on the side closest to you. This is where the mallet will hit me. You must find exactly that point. The slightest deviation will send your shot awry.
Go back to your imaginary picture of a circle, and now draw a line at right angles to the diameter at the point that the diameter touches the circumference. Lines at right angles to each other are called perpendicular lines.
This line which is at right angles to the diameter is called the tangent. This is very important. Stop wandering – that expression is not attractive – and come back to this.
The head of the mallet should be exactly on the line that is the tangent. The slightest deviation will send your shot awry.
The hit must be on that point and made with the centre of the mallet’s face. You may have heard players speaking about hitting the ball ‘square on’? Same, same.
Furthermore, the shaft of the mallet must be perpendicular (i.e. straight up and down, at right angles) to the ground.
The follow through must be along the line of that diameter. The slightest deviation will send your shot – yes, you guessed correctly – awry.
You may have stalked correctly and lined up correctly, but if your swing is just the tiniest bit off – your shot will go ... (I am aware that ‘awry’ is not a commonly used word but balls do have a tendency to go round and round. In addition, some people need to be told more than once. And it is a much nicer word than some which we blush to hear.)
Let’s say that you are 5 metres away from your target. Your mallet face is a mere 5° off the tangent line. You will miss your target by almost 18 centimetres. That’s 7 inches in the old money. Other players will laugh at you.
Now, we will try a closer position: say, just 3 metres away from your target. Your mallet face is better aligned; now it is just 1° off the tangent line. You will still miss your target, this time by a bit more than 5 centimetres. Your opponents will smirk and make comments that you cannot hear.
Even at one metre, a deviation of one degree will put me 1 ¾ cm (more than half an inch) away from where you want me to be. This is why, when you aim for the mouth of the hoop, your ball hits the leg instead. It is the reason, when you want to promote your partner’s ball they both zoom off at angles to each other instead of moving forward. You will feel exasperated and say things like, “What is the Hellenistic exhortation?” and “I should take up darts” and your partner may suggest you take up underwater knitting or might even say, “Good try.”
Just one degree makes a big difference. If you can find an old fashioned protractor and use it to draw an angle of only one degree it looks very, very small; but when you draw the line out to only the ruler’s length of you will see that the difference – over that very short distance – is half a centimetre. You will have played enough croquet (whether you are a beginner or an expert) to know that half a centimetre can make a considerable difference to the outcome.
I trust that you will now understand why we balls appreciate your care and accuracy. We know that the difficulty for you is in being both accurate and consistent; we simply sit there on the lawn awaiting your direction.
Now, if nothing else, you will be able to enjoy a game of croquet well equipped with excuses for and reasons as to why your shot was not what was intended, and with some big words to say so.
If you had received this information from a coach or read it in a text book, the conclusion would be something along the lines of, ‘now you know what to do’ but our representative croquet ball has politely refrained from rubbing your noses in it.
Say ‘thank you’ to the nice ball.
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ZodiaCroquet, “It’s all in the alignment!”
with Simon the Sooth
AQUARIUS Be wary of people approaching you to be an office holder – they seek to take advantage of your water-carrying skills. Avert this by donating a trophy and thereby be hailed as a patron. Together with Pisces, yours is a southern and autumn sign but this is not a commendation. Good luck will be claimed as skill, planning and virtue. Two in front controls the hoop. Take time to stalk the ball. “Living next door to Alice” will be your ear worm for the next week. At least.
ARIES A ram is rarely an attractive sight but the scoring is amazing. The name of the alpha star in your constellation is Hamal – make of that what you will. Bad luck can be blamed on more factors than there are balls on the court. Visualisation of an outcome will produce astonishing results. Keep your eye on the ball; shutting your eyes, however, can produce an amazing result. If you are playing doubles, remember that your partner is your other half and that together you make a team. You will meet someone living in a gated community.
CANCER Crab-like, the Cancerian croquet player is inclined to sidle into a stalking position. Once in possession, this player will not let go which explains why jawing the hoop is a characteristic feature of play. This is a northern, spring sign, which is good, because you need something going for you. If it weren’t for bad luck, you would have to blame yourself. Placement of the ball depends on skill as much as on intent. Don’t lift your head until the ball is in motion, and even then that can be too soon. You will discuss health concerns with someone who shares your sporting interest.
CAPRICORN The giddy goat – too much corn in its humour, too much capering in its playing behaviour. A player more suited to tennis, or squash, or lacrosse, or any other sport with an ‘s’ in its name. The greatest enemy of your game is doubt. Plan where your ball is to end up – have a target and aim for it. You will discover that there is no such thing as an angle shot. Look at all the options before deciding on your shot. Don’t try to play your opponent’s game. The biscuits of a discount grocery chain will be highly recommended.
GEMINI Twins – this is a problematic sign but readily explains your capacity for playing fantastically well one day and abominably bad another; clearly fraternal twins are squabbling for dominance with vastly different styles of play. Doubt is the greatest enemy of your game. When approaching a hoop, plan to be in front rather than behind. There is no such thing as an angle shot, you will discover. You will be reminded that good people bring wine, while others will talk of marshmallows and choc-mints.
LEO Whether pussy-cat or lion, there are character features which suit you well for croquet: basking in the sun before pouncing, ingratiating oneself for a favour then studiously ignoring the donor, teasing play before the kill. Afterall, one is a feline or one is nothing. Leo is a northern, spring sign so don’t say you haven’t been warned. The greatest enemy of your game is tension. Laying a decoy ball will earn you a reputation for guile and great skill. It will disturb you to learn than there is no such thing as an angle shot. An interesting stranger will not cross your path unmolested.
LIBRA Balance is the key Libran quality – one good shot for one bad shot because it all equals out in the end seems to be your chief attitude. Do not expect to be sought after as a doubles’ partner. Try pairing with another Libran and see how you go. Tension is the greatest enemy of your game. A smooth, slow backstroke will produce the desired result: prepare to be amazed. Your opponent will not show mercy in placing you off-side. Find your comfort zone for each type of stroke and see how much your game improves. Romance will give you a wide berth, understandably.
PISCES The fish’s capacity to swiftly change direction can be a strength when responding to rapidly changing circumstances of play, or a dire weakness when flipping about out of idle curiosity. The goldfish-bowl atmosphere of tournament play creates severe pressure. Paired with Aquarius (fish and water: obvious) as two southern and autumn signs – it sounds too much like a nursing home to contemplate cheerfully. The greatest enemies of your game are doubt and tension. A longer follow-through rather than a longer backstroke will give a better outcome. Establish a routine for every shot, and keep to it. You will find yourself in a place where different sports are being played nearby.
SAGITTARIUS One would have thought that the archer’s aim and strength would favour the croquet player; why then do so many shots miss their mark? Maybe romance would be a better suit with Cupid’s smaller bow but sharper pierce. A good stop shot is immensely satisfying. Doubt and tension are the greatest enemies of your game. Stalk the ball for the result you have in mind. You will find benefit in maintaining a routine preparation for every shot. Days will be mild or even warm while evenings will be chill.
SCORPIO Save the sting for when it really counts – great satisfaction is obtained thereby, and with it a reputation greatly to be envied. Do not thereby expect to be liked. As Saturn moves into your sector you will see that it is a very big planet indeed. You will use a mnemonic for the order of play. To achieve the result you wish for, stalk the ball. Every shot should have a routine method of preparation. Look for the weaknesses of your opponent and exploit them. You will find that the back door is an easier entrance than the front which will be irksome.
TAURUS Better known for china shop antics (not that the haberdasher or greengrocer fare much better), the bull is underrated for it is a stolid observer of all that is happening before launching into action. It is better, when approaching a hoop, to be in front rather than behind. Stalking the ball will improve your accuracy, as will striking it. Keep to an established routine in making a shot. Use your strengths to promote your chance of success. Creating uncertainty in an opponent will open opportunities for your own advantage.
VIRGO Pure and chaste, the Virgo player pursues an immaculate style of play widely acknowledged for its grace and poise. If only the hoops would co-operate. Do not pair with Leo as two northern, spring signs together will general more heat that would be healthy for both of you. It is almost always preferable to be in front of the hoop than behind. To improve your accuracy, stalk the ball. Every shot you make should conform to your routine. You will find yourself partnered with someone who annoys you although you keep this hidden such is the impeccable sweetness of your demeanour.
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The new court lights
From our feng shui consultant, Iphigenia Phoenix McMalley-O’Stuart
I totally embrace my heritage as you can see from my name which is Cornish and also from Andorra. Which is why I am so into my writing and just absolutely get feng shui. I also do installation art using fluorescent tubes which are so totally retro they will be the next steam punk. And my beauty therapy except I am allergic to stuff.
Feng shui, which you won’t know because you haven’t done the online consultancy course that I did. It was so intensive they said it would take six hours all up but it took me like two weeks?
So feng shui is this really ancient Chinese philosophy which comes from China that explains how important alignment of furniture and buildings and landscape features and stuff is to achieving your body-soul balance and channelling all the good that is in the universe into you and all the bad karma away from you. And this just so accords with my own heritage culture because we had standing stones and things like that that the modern world can only wonder to.
Which is why it was just so amazing that I got asked to advise on where to put the new lights at the Dubbo Croquet lawns. When I started my blog and my boyfriends laughed at me, I knew that I could show them. Someone must of read my blog and now I got this commission! That’s like totally wow.
So I went to see the courts. There was lots of seats and stuff that I had to move around. Some of them were set in the ground but and I couldn’t move them so I had to make some adjustments. The fence is all square which seals off the sensitivity of the third meridian, but the playing courts are a boxy shape which captures the security and comfort of the co-central beingness. The white lines around the outside are a bad choice because white is the colour of mourning. Red is the colour for good fortune and luck but green lines would be best for new life and vitality.
A really awesome thing was the water feature. It is just so amazingly retro, like a tap my granny had in her garden. But to be totally better it will have to go three kang in the bei direction to promote the aspirations of the perching tiger.
In one corner of the lawn set at an angle is a cute little house. In the right position for holding possessions and valuables that encompass the power of the pouncing carp. There weren’t any windows so I couldn’t see what was inside but it should be used for keeping stuff in.
The poles for the lights are green which is like bamboo so that is strength and flexibility so that’s all good. They will be a funnel for the second chakra. Or maybe lightning.
The desire of the crouching lotus is housed in the little shelters and because they are square on to the courts they will become the repositories for longevity, memory, wisdom and forgotten cardigans.
So my recommendation is that the light poles should go in the centre of the lawn in a circle to achieve closure and wholeness and facing outwards to reflect the golden hearts and pure minds of the people there to the whole world. And that the gate out to carpark should be moved to open out towards the cricket field to enhance the oneness of physicality balancing the open aspect to the bowling lawn.
One thing I couldn’t work out were all the little holes in the ground. I think it refers to the connectedness of heaven with mountain and as a gateway to the celestial but I couldn’t get my app to work.
Bless.
